Today we wrap up our look at the dysfunctional families of the Bible by looking at the family of King David. Remember David is the one whom God said, “is a man after my own heart.” If there ever were to be a perfect family certainly David, the one thought so highly of by God would have the perfect family? King David had a large family. The Bible mentions by name 19 sons and one daughter and at least one additional son by adoption (1 Chronicles 3:1-3; 2 Samuel 5:14-16; 2 Chronicles 11:18; 2 Samuel 9:11). There were many times as a father that David rejoiced in a newborn son. Like us, he no doubt delighted in their childhood. But as a father who had a least eight wives plus “more” and some 20+ children, he could not, as one man, emotionally supply what they all independently needed.
Polygamy was not God’s intent. The lesson could have been learned from the patriarchs or the recent example of Saul and his harem. Sadly, culture played its hand with David who, following Saul’s precedent, took on the tragic chain of events leading to the breakup of his family. Each generation seems bent on having to learn for themselves. The royal harem, with its palace intrigues, would only produce an unequal love from a father. Busy with an expanding kingdom, the King, no doubt, had little time for all of his children except his favorites - like Absalom. Regrettably, David’s inner character did not rub off on this son he loved the most.
David has a lot of dysfunction in his role as father and husband, but I want to concentrate on his relationship with two of his oldest sons. Events come to a head in adulthood when his eldest son Amnon rapes his beautiful half-sister Tamar (2 Samuel 13). Her brother, Absalom, was outraged, and hatred for his half-brother turned to a burning desire for revenge.
Was this evidence of a lack of early child training? Proverbial wisdom loudly proclaims, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
If at this point David had punished Amnon, the royal family might not have split so disastrously. But David, though “very angry” with Amnon (2 Samuel 13:21) apparently did nothing and just as important said nothing. Was it guilt for the way he had cared for them?
Absalom waits two years and then avenges his sister by sending his servants to kill Amnon at a feast to which he had invited all the king's sons. (2 Samuel 13:1-29) Because David failed to act with Amnon, Absalom took justice into his own hands by ordering his servants to murder his half-brother. Absalom then fled to his grandfather, the King of Geshur, and remained in exile. The king finally gave up trying to get back at Absalom as he came to terms with Amnon's death. (2 Samuel 13:39) After five years in exile, Absalom was restored to the palace court because David longed to have Absalom back. "And the soul of King David longed to go forth unto Absalom, for he was comforted concerning Amnon, seeing he was dead." (2Sa 13:39) He lived in relative exile in the palace for two more years. David finally relaxed more and allowed Absalom complete freedom. Absalom began to build his own following.
"And it came to pass after this that Absalom prepared himself chariots and horses and fifty men to run before him.", "And it was so that, when any man came nigh to him to do him obeisance, he put forth his hand and took him and kissed him. And in this manner did Absalom to all Israel who came to the king for judgment; so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel." (2 Samuel 15:1, 5-6)
When Absalom was sufficiently prepared, he began to actively launch the conspiracy to overthrow his father David, and become king in Israel. David appeared unaware or unable to prevent this son’s ambition that led to a successful palace coup against him. Or was it a continuance of ignoring bad behavior?
When David later gave orders before engaging Absalom’s rebel army he said, “Deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom” (2 Samuel 18:5). But David’s commanders knew a rebellion could not be successfully crushed if its leader wasn’t executed and so they ignored the order and Absalom was killed. On learning of the death of Absalom, David uttered his heartbroken cry of mourning and grief, perhaps mixed with self-reproach for his inability to influence him as a father: “O my son Absalom—if only I had died in your place! O Absalom my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 18:33).
Is that not also true of us? We long for the ability to effect a change of course for our wayward children. We would gladly take the sting of their failings. What might have happened had David expressed his feelings to his children? Absalom never knew how his father really felt about him or his brother’s sin.
Parents we have been given some bad advice over the years regarding ignoring bad behavior and rewarding good behavior. Ignoring bad behavior will not produce good behavior. If a child simply doesn't know how to act in a situation like this, then ignoring bad behavior won't help him learn how to behave appropriately. How could it? A child needs explicit guidance and instruction on how to behave. If the child knows already how to behave and is misbehaving anyway, despite reminders of how to act appropriately, that's a different story.
Dr. Barkley writes in his book Your Defiant Child , “ignoring bad behavior can, in fact, become an unfortunate way of life for parents of defiant children. They are afraid to acknowledge good behavior, and they have run out of resources to use with bad behavior, so they just start putting distance between themselves and their children’s actions. The child then takes the ignoring as unspoken permission to continue the bad behavior and the defiance just gets worse.”
I wonder if Dr. Barkley studied David’s relationship with his sons for his research?
David is by all accounts the head of a completely dysfunctional family and kingdom. So, how can we understand God’s testimony of King David as “a man after My own heart, who will do all My will” (Acts 13:22), when we see his failed example as a father and a king? How can David be our example?
Good News! Lovingly, God forgives sin. As David sought forgiveness, God forgave. David’s heart was in the right place even when his actions didn’t always match up. Sound familiar?
So often in our striving to be perfect, we allow our mistakes to keep us from ever moving forward. The result is that we become slaves to our failings. We become stuck trying to live up to the lie that is in reality our dysfunction. Allow me to illustrate:
A little boy visiting his grandparents was given his first slingshot. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit his target. As he came back to grandma’s back yard, he spied her pet duck. On an impulse he took aim and let it fly. The stone hit its target. The boy panicked. Desperately he hid the dead duck in the woodpile, only to look and see his sister watching. Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing. After lunch that day, Grandma said, “Sally, let’s wash the dishes.” But Sally said, “Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen today. Didn’t you, Johnny?” And she whispered to him, “Remember the duck!” So Johnny did the dishes. Later Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing. Grandma said, “I’m sorry, but I need Sally to help make supper.” Sally smiled and said, “That’s all taken care of, Johnny wants to do it.” Again she whispered, “Remember the duck.” Johnny stayed while Sally went fishing. After several days of Johnny doing his chores and Sally’s, he couldn’t stand it. He confessed to Grandma that he’d killed her duck. “I know, Johnny,” she said, giving him a hug. “I was standing at the window and saw the whole thing. Because I love you, I forgave you! I wondered how long you would let Sally make you a slave.” (Will Daylight Come? By Richard Hoefler; Originally in Leadership Magazine, Christianity Today Inc, by Steve Cole, To Illustrate Forgiveness, pg.86)
There is always a price to be paid for our actions. We can learn through David’s family (and little Johnny) that when we choose an action, we also choose its consequences. And yet through all the mistakes, David always returned to God (Read the Psalms). It often takes time, like David and Johnny, but admitting our failings is the only way we can be freed! So, David (and even little Johnny) can teach us today about finding freedom and joy:
1. Do not leave things unsaid in your family.
Be able to acknowledge both the good and the bad. Remember there are no perfect Christian families, parents, or children for that matter – so stop trying so hard to hide or ignore the flaws. Being Christian doesn’t make you perfect – it just makes you part of the biggest dysfunctional family ever – embrace that and learn from it!
2. Do not leave things unsaid with God.
Settle your failings with God - NOW. David’s success as ‘a man after God’s heart’ was not based on his perfect character. David’s success with God was because of his willingness to repent and confess before God his own failings and weaknesses.
How often we harm those we love by remaining silent? How often in our lives the words we leave unspoken enslave us? Our own actions – our failings – need not be silent before God. When we leave our failings unspoken and un-confessed they enslave us and the intended and unintended consequences leave us limited in what God can do with us.
Just like you and I, David failed over and over. Yet, it was said that he was “a man after God’s own heart.” As often as we fail, as often as we miss, as often as fall short of perfection, God will never fail us! It makes no earthly sense, but that is the deal God made with us.
He knows our failings, the only reason we are limited is because we choose to be. So, God we confess that in our zealous desire to be the perfect christian, to have the perfect children, the perfect family, the perfect business, we have too often looked the other way, we have tried to out on the perfect appearance” and we have failed.
Forgive us for trying to hide our imperfections for trying to hide our dysfunction. Teach us to trust once again in Your never failing love, Your never failing grace and mercy. Teach us to trust that you truly want us just as we are.
No matter the sin, no matter the battle we face, no matter the shame, no matter the failures. God will not fail us. His love and grace are there for you. May we each stop worrying about being perfect and allow God to use us in all of our dysfunction.
God will not fail you. That is your promise and this is our prayer. AMEN
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