On the way to Sunday . . . What is fair?

BUZZ WORD: FAIR

What is fair?

In the culture of today, there are always ‘Buzz Words’ that become an overwhelming part of our public conversation. This is never more true than in our cycle of elections where words are thrown around with the assumption that we all know what they mean when in reality they are being re-defined by the user. The interesting part of ‘Buzz Words’ is that opposing sides of an argument will both use the same words to reveal why they are right.

The following is an excerpt from an article written by Dan Crawford for libertyunbound.com in June of 2011. I make no claims of support for or against the politics of the author or the website. I simple use his illustration to frame the question - What is fair?:

Suppose we are part of a group of friends from work who decide to go out to dinner together. “We” includes the owner of the business, the new person in the mailroom, and two of us in between. We choose a nice restaurant and enjoy our meal together. For some reason we cannot get separate checks and are given one large bill. What are some fair ways to pay for this meal — and what are some unfair ways?

Normally what happens is this: each person puts money into the kitty based on what he or she ordered. Often after the check goes around the table it isn’t quite enough because people forget to add in enough money to cover the tip or their second drink or the taxes or something. So the check goes around again while everyone refigures the cost and puts in a little more. So each pays based on what each received.

That is what we ordinarily regard as fair.

Now suppose the bill isn’t itemized and we can’t find out what each person received and therefore what each person owes. People might try to guess, but generally we feel that one fair way is for each to pay the same amount. If we do that, we recognize that people who ordered a more lavish dinner or an extra bottle of wine will be getting more than their fair share, but still the same amount for each person seems close to fair. So each person paying the same amount without regard to any other criterion looks fair to us...

So let’s go back to the arrival of the unitemized bill for the group’s dinner. How should we divide it up fairly? When the check came, the boss could offer to pay for everyone’s dinner. That would be voluntary, private charity. But imagine if, when that happened, the new mail room guy said, “Wow. This is great. I got this fabulous meal for free. I propose we do this every night! How many people are in favor?” Perhaps most of us who received the boss’ charity would vote to make him give it more often, but that would be clearly unfair...

No one would dream that three people should “vote” to make the fourth person pay for them...

The boss would be well within his rights to say, “You guys can do this again if you want, but count me out. I’m not interested in paying for everyone’s meal night after night.” Would it be fair or right to claim that he must do so because it was a “majority vote?”

Interesting to me that fairness is most often viewed within the perspective of the person that defines fairness.

Again, I ask you, What is fair?

Finally, I ask you, Has God treated you fairly?

Krazy Kinfolk: Wayward Children and Imperfect Families

Today we wrap up our look at the dysfunctional families of the Bible by looking at the family of King David. Remember David is the one whom God said, “is a man after my own heart.” If there ever were to be a perfect family certainly David, the one thought so highly of by God would have the perfect family?

King David had a large family. The Bible mentions by name 19 sons and one daughter and at least one additional son by adoption (1 Chronicles 3:1-3; 2 Samuel 5:14-16; 2 Chronicles 11:18; 2 Samuel 9:11). There were many times as a father that David rejoiced in a newborn son. Like us, he no doubt delighted in their childhood. But as a father who had a least eight wives plus “more” and some 20+ children, he could not, as one man, emotionally supply what they all independently needed.

Polygamy was not God’s intent. The lesson could have been learned from the patriarchs or the recent example of Saul and his harem. Sadly, culture played its hand with David who, following Saul’s precedent, took on the tragic chain of events leading to the breakup of his family. Each generation seems bent on having to learn for themselves. The royal harem, with its palace intrigues, would only produce an unequal love from a father. Busy with an expanding kingdom, the King, no doubt, had little time for all of his children except his favorites - like Absalom. Regrettably, David’s inner character did not rub off on this son he loved the most.

David has a lot of dysfunction in his role as father and husband, but I want to concentrate on his relationship with two of his oldest sons. Events come to a head in adulthood when his eldest son Amnon rapes his beautiful half-sister Tamar (2 Samuel 13). Her brother, Absalom, was outraged, and hatred for his half-brother turned to a burning desire for revenge.

Was this evidence of a lack of early child training? Proverbial wisdom loudly proclaims, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

If at this point David had punished Amnon, the royal family might not have split so disastrously. But David, though “very angry” with Amnon (2 Samuel 13:21) apparently did nothing and just as important said nothing. Was it guilt for the way he had cared for them?

Absalom waits two years and then avenges his sister by sending his servants to kill Amnon at a feast to which he had invited all the king's sons. (2 Samuel 13:1-29) Because David failed to act with Amnon, Absalom took justice into his own hands by ordering his servants to murder his half-brother. Absalom then fled to his grandfather, the King of Geshur, and remained in exile. The king finally gave up trying to get back at Absalom as he came to terms with Amnon's death. (2 Samuel 13:39) After five years in exile, Absalom was restored to the palace court because David longed to have Absalom back. "And the soul of King David longed to go forth unto Absalom, for he was comforted concerning Amnon, seeing he was dead." (2Sa 13:39) He lived in relative exile in the palace for two more years. David finally relaxed more and allowed Absalom complete freedom. Absalom began to build his own following.

"And it came to pass after this that Absalom prepared himself chariots and horses and fifty men to run before him.", "And it was so that, when any man came nigh to him to do him obeisance, he put forth his hand and took him and kissed him. And in this manner did Absalom to all Israel who came to the king for judgment; so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel." (2 Samuel 15:1, 5-6)

When Absalom was sufficiently prepared, he began to actively launch the conspiracy to overthrow his father David, and become king in Israel. David appeared unaware or unable to prevent this son’s ambition that led to a successful palace coup against him. Or was it a continuance of ignoring bad behavior?

When David later gave orders before engaging Absalom’s rebel army he said, “Deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom” (2 Samuel 18:5). But David’s commanders knew a rebellion could not be successfully crushed if its leader wasn’t executed and so they ignored the order and Absalom was killed. On learning of the death of Absalom, David uttered his heartbroken cry of mourning and grief, perhaps mixed with self-reproach for his inability to influence him as a father: “O my son Absalom—if only I had died in your place! O Absalom my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 18:33).

Is that not also true of us? We long for the ability to effect a change of course for our wayward children. We would gladly take the sting of their failings. What might have happened had David expressed his feelings to his children? Absalom never knew how his father really felt about him or his brother’s sin.

Parents we have been given some bad advice over the years regarding ignoring bad behavior and rewarding good behavior. Ignoring bad behavior will not produce good behavior. If a child simply doesn't know how to act in a situation like this, then ignoring bad behavior won't help him learn how to behave appropriately. How could it? A child needs explicit guidance and instruction on how to behave. If the child knows already how to behave and is misbehaving anyway, despite reminders of how to act appropriately, that's a different story.

Dr. Barkley writes in his book Your Defiant Child , “ignoring bad behavior can, in fact, become an unfortunate way of life for parents of defiant children. They are afraid to acknowledge good behavior, and they have run out of resources to use with bad behavior, so they just start putting distance between themselves and their children’s actions. The child then takes the ignoring as unspoken permission to continue the bad behavior and the defiance just gets worse.”

I wonder if Dr. Barkley studied David’s relationship with his sons for his research?

David is by all accounts the head of a completely dysfunctional family and kingdom. So, how can we understand God’s testimony of King David as “a man after My own heart, who will do all My will” (Acts 13:22), when we see his failed example as a father and a king? How can David be our example?

Good News! Lovingly, God forgives sin. As David sought forgiveness, God forgave. David’s heart was in the right place even when his actions didn’t always match up. Sound familiar?

So often in our striving to be perfect, we allow our mistakes to keep us from ever moving forward. The result is that we become slaves to our failings. We become stuck trying to live up to the lie that is in reality our dysfunction. Allow me to illustrate:

A little boy visiting his grandparents was given his first slingshot. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit his target. As he came back to grandma’s back yard, he spied her pet duck. On an impulse he took aim and let it fly. The stone hit its target. The boy panicked. Desperately he hid the dead duck in the woodpile, only to look and see his sister watching. Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing. After lunch that day, Grandma said, “Sally, let’s wash the dishes.” But Sally said, “Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen today. Didn’t you, Johnny?” And she whispered to him, “Remember the duck!” So Johnny did the dishes. Later Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing. Grandma said, “I’m sorry, but I need Sally to help make supper.” Sally smiled and said, “That’s all taken care of, Johnny wants to do it.” Again she whispered, “Remember the duck.” Johnny stayed while Sally went fishing. After several days of Johnny doing his chores and Sally’s, he couldn’t stand it. He confessed to Grandma that he’d killed her duck. “I know, Johnny,” she said, giving him a hug. “I was standing at the window and saw the whole thing. Because I love you, I forgave you! I wondered how long you would let Sally make you a slave.” (Will Daylight Come? By Richard Hoefler; Originally in Leadership Magazine, Christianity Today Inc, by Steve Cole, To Illustrate Forgiveness, pg.86)

There is always a price to be paid for our actions. We can learn through David’s family (and little Johnny) that when we choose an action, we also choose its consequences. And yet through all the mistakes, David always returned to God (Read the Psalms). It often takes time, like David and Johnny, but admitting our failings is the only way we can be freed! So, David (and even little Johnny) can teach us today about finding freedom and joy:

1. Do not leave things unsaid in your family.

Be able to acknowledge both the good and the bad. Remember there are no perfect Christian families, parents, or children for that matter – so stop trying so hard to hide or ignore the flaws. Being Christian doesn’t make you perfect – it just makes you part of the biggest dysfunctional family ever – embrace that and learn from it!

2. Do not leave things unsaid with God.

Settle your failings with God - NOW. David’s success as ‘a man after God’s heart’ was not based on his perfect character. David’s success with God was because of his willingness to repent and confess before God his own failings and weaknesses.

How often we harm those we love by remaining silent? How often in our lives the words we leave unspoken enslave us? Our own actions – our failings – need not be silent before God. When we leave our failings unspoken and un-confessed they enslave us and the intended and unintended consequences leave us limited in what God can do with us.

Just like you and I, David failed over and over. Yet, it was said that he was “a man after God’s own heart.” As often as we fail, as often as we miss, as often as fall short of perfection, God will never fail us! It makes no earthly sense, but that is the deal God made with us.

He knows our failings, the only reason we are limited is because we choose to be. So, God we confess that in our zealous desire to be the perfect christian, to have the perfect children, the perfect family, the perfect business, we have too often looked the other way, we have tried to out on the perfect appearance” and we have failed.

Forgive us for trying to hide our imperfections for trying to hide our dysfunction. Teach us to trust once again in Your never failing love, Your never failing grace and mercy. Teach us to trust that you truly want us just as we are.

No matter the sin, no matter the battle we face, no matter the shame, no matter the failures. God will not fail us. His love and grace are there for you. May we each stop worrying about being perfect and allow God to use us in all of our dysfunction.

God will not fail you. That is your promise and this is our prayer. AMEN

On the way to Sunday . . . Losing a Generation

The systems of life hum accordingly
Every day, every year, every century
But, everywhere humans go things get worse
Can't you tell through the smoke in the dirty city

And now they're down to 250 lone souls
They're a breed of a losing generation it seems
The killers are ourselves so you know who to blame
It was man with his plan and his frightening greed
I don't think we'll ever leave them alone.

Losing Generation
by Bad Religion

The words might have been written today, but truth is this song was part of Bad Religion's 1983 album and to think I was a high school senior then! Time flies and another generation is lost.

It seems rather frightening to think that we have been singing/talking about losing a generation for decades. The church has become like so many other so called leaders in that we are better at the rhetoric of crisis than we are that the action of change. In other words, we would rather yell, "Fire!" than pick up a bucket, find some water and fight the fire.

It's time to stop talking and yelling and fighting.

It is time to boldly declare the great and mighty works of God to this and every generation.

We can't remain silent, but we must have something to say other than, "Danger! Danger!"

Someone please pick up a bucket and others will gladly follow!

Krazy Kinfolk: A place to Call Home

We all desire a place to call home, but what is home? I hope that home is more than the place where a bunch of people that are related reside – that could just as easily become a half-way house for Krazy Kinfolk.

Naomi said, "Look, your sister-in-law is going back home to live with her own people and gods; go with her."
But Ruth said, "Don't force me to leave you; don't make me go home. Where you go, I go; and where you live, I'll live. Your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I'll die, and that's where I'll be buried, so help me GOD—not even death itself is going to come between us!"
When Naomi saw that Ruth had her heart set on going with her, she gave in. And so the two of them traveled on together to Bethlehem. When they arrived in Bethlehem the whole town was soon buzzing: "Is this really our Naomi? And after all this time!" Ruth 1:15-18 The Message

Ruth had married into the family and Naomi was her Mother-in-law. Naomi lost her husband and then tragically Ruth lost her husband. Suddenly, both women were widows. Naomi determined that the best course of action was to return to their original family and homes, but Ruth declares that she will instead go with Naomi to the place she calls home. Apparently life with Naomi was more home than any place where she might live or might have lived before.

During the process of moving my family back to Indiana in 2006, we actually lived in Oregon, Minnesota, and Indiana in a matter of 6 weeks. Interestingly enough each of these homes was in close proximity to train tracks. In each of these places you could hear the train whistle late at night. The sound of the train whistle was something familiar amidst all of the strange surroundings. However, I also remember waking up to a train whistle in the middle of the night and for a moment not knowing where I was? For us Oregon, Minnesota, and now Indiana (Indy and Hagerstown) are home to us.

Have you ever had one of those kind of moments? Where the surroundings are so strange that you are not sure you are in the right place. In the movie The Wizard of Oz, shortly after landing in Oz Dorothy says to her dog, “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!” Dorothy discovers in the strange surroundings what really matters when it comes to calling a place home. What are those things that make a place a home? How do you make any place a home? How do you enter a place of strange surroundings and make it your own?

People often ask Sherry and I, “How can you think of those places (Oregon or Minnesota) still as home?”

I often reply by asking, “How is any place home?”

Allow me to illustrate with a story:

Growing up one of my closest friends was a guy named Paul. Paul was older than I was and already had his driver’s license. That was a big plus! But we also shared a love for golf and video games. From the beginning of high school golf season, Paul was a constant fixture in our driveway. He was either picking me up or dropping me off everyday. Everyday I would invite him in to the house. I would invite him to dinner. The answer was always the same – “No thanks”. The answer slowly changed to – “What’s for dinner?” and depending on my answer, Paul might stay. At times Paul would even come into the house and wait for me, as quite often I wasn’t quite ready.

I don’t remember the sequence of events that led to the dramatic change, but I remember the specific day when Paul was coming over to pick me up as usual. On this day, he actually drove his car right into the open garage and then walked right in the house without knocking. He walked right past my Mom, with a casual, “Hi Mom,” and went straight to the refrigerator.

There he grabbed a Coke, popped the top, and returned to the family room. I think my Mom must have had the strangest of looks she ever had because when Paul walked back into the room he just looked at her and said, “What?!” My mom and I couldn’t help but laugh. Paul was finally at home in our house!

Here’s my points: Home is where you are secure and safe.
Home is where you can be yourself.
Home is where you commit to being involved and staying involved in spite of circumstances.
It is the love and acceptance you receive and give that makes a place a home.

All of that was true for Paul.

I believe all of that was true for Ruth.

And it was true for me and my family in Oregon, Minnesota, and now in Hagerstown.

When you think of home as only brick and mortar, home becomes “where you hang your hat." But I believe home is better described as the spot where you place your heart.

The Bible teaches us that we are strangers in this world - travelers in this world that God has made. We are to call it “home" for now – “hang our hats” in this place. Amidst strange surroundings and Krazy Kinfolk and other folks as well, we can be very much “at home" by hanging our hearts.

Hagerstown is a place where we remember being safe and secure.
Hagerstown is a place where we learned to be ourselves.
Hagerstown is where so many of us remain committed and involved in spite of the difficulties and the circumstances.

My hope is that First Church is a place like that as well.
A place where you are safe and secure.
A place where you can be yourself.
A place where you can commit to being involved.
A place where you can experience love and acceptance.

A church is really no different than your own home.
You must make a commitment to truly be at home.
Home is where you are secure and safe.
Home is where you can be yourself.
Home is where you commit to being involved and staying involved in spite of circumstances.
Home is the love you have for others and the love you receive that makes a place a home.

So in your home, your community, your church, have you hung your “hat” or your “heart”? Have you whole heartedly committed yourself? Or are you just occupying space?

I pray that you have a place you can call home - a place where you can hang your “hat” and your “heart”.

Krazy Kinfolk: A place to Call Home

Home is where you hang your hat or at least that is how the saying goes. But how do you balance that with "home is where your heart is"?

The two notions are polar opposites of one another, but we try hard to combine them. Home is where we are to be content and happy. So, we change jobs in hopes that by hanging our hat in a new place we will be content or happy. We join different groups and put on their hats in hopes of being happy and content. We seek out new people to try to find happiness in them and we borrow their hats. We buy things for our houses in hopes of making a home. We dream of far away places that might be our home for contentment. We rush and hurry in hopes of finding the perfect place to call home.

And yet ... our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ Philippians 3:20 NIV

Our search for peace and contentment is in the wrong place. Our home is with Christ. This place - this world - is only a temporary stop over. Don't waste your time trying to make this place home. No matter how hard you try it will never be your true home.

Hang your hat for awhile, but it's okay to be restless. It's all part of the journey to the place we call home.

See you Sunday and we can share stories the place we call home ...

Krazy Kinfolk: Going Home

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

from Home by Chris Daughtry

I have always liked the notion of home, but what does home really mean?

I ask that because I have lived in five different places in the past ten years covering three states. I still think of each of those places as home. Is that strange?

What makes a place home?

And when you think of going home where is that place?

Krazy Kinfolk: Dreaded In-Laws

Families today come in all sizes, shapes, and forms - Step families, multicultural families, blended families, adoptive families, foster families, multi-race families, we even marry into families and kinfolk. You name it we got it in our world, our neighborhoods, our church, and our own families. It is not the circumstances that created our families that make our families dysfunctional but our reactions to our families can certainly be dysfunctional.

As we look at Moses’ unique family, we will see that it is the reaction of others that creates the dysfunction in his family. Most of us know Moses as the first leader of the Israelites and one of the key leaders in the Bible. He led the people out of Egypt and to the Promised Land. He was both a leader and a prophet. We know of his humble beginnings and his miraculous rescue from an Egyptian decree to kill all male children (Ex 2:1-10).

Moses was rescued and raised by the Pharaoh’s daughter. And although he lived a privileged life, he seemingly never forgot his roots. His allegiance became clear as an adult despite his Egyptian upbringing. We really don’t know much about his childhood, but as an adult he became a fugitive from Egypt. He ended up in Midian and we do not know much about this place. Midian was someplace far enough away for Moses to feel secured from the Egyptian threat.

While in Midian, Moses stopped at well and as happened before (Gen 24:10-21) with Isaac and Rebekah and (Gen 29:9-12) with Jacob and Rachel a romantic liaison of sorts occurs. While at the well, Jethro’s seven daughters come to the well to draw water for their flocks. A group of shepherds, presumably all male, come and run them off. Moses comes to their rescue and waters their flocks (Ex 2:16-20).

I wonder if he did this while on a white horse or while wearing shiny armor? At the very least that may have been the version that the young ladies told their father.

Moses’ act of valor resulted in an invitation to travel with the family. Jethro was so grateful in fact, that he offered his daughter, Zipporah, in marriage to Moses (Exodus 2:21-22). Although they were from different cultures, and conceivably different races, Moses accepted the offer and they started a family.
By all accounts, or lack there of, their marriage was successful and gave no reason or concern for alarm.

Moses led a very public life and yet there is very little of any of Moses’ personal life recorded in the narratives until the twelfth chapter of Numbers. His career as the leader of the nation came after he was married. His wife never signed on for this public life he now lived. There is quite a bit of drama in Moses’ public life:

a burning bush, a loving wife that intervenes with God to preserve Moses’ life, a newly acquired role of leader of the nation of Israel, a series of 10 plagues, a parting of a sea, the ten commandments, a golden calf, manna from heaven, quail from heaven, water from a rock, more rules and laws (enough to fill a couple of books), and a wandering trek through the desert.

And while all of that was taking place, Aaron, Moses’ brother had been by his side helping to lead. Aaron is his right hand. In addition, Aaron’s wife Miriam – that would make her a sister-in-law - was also with them and considered a prophetess (Exodus 15). And all the while, don’t forget, Moses has his family, a wife and two sons, with him (Exodus 4:20). Moses found ways to balance his private and public life even while he was under constant scrutiny from the people as their leader.

Moses contends with differences in race and culture in his own marriage as well as dealing with the constant differences that are occurring in the nation of Israel. Moses deals with grumblings and even acts on advice from his father-in-law and sets up a system of governance for the people (Exodus 18). How many men would willingly take advice from their in-law?

Moses and his wife get along fine and by all accounts his children are well adjusted. So where is the dysfunction in this family?

Well, Moses’ family situation worked for them, but apparently not for the rest of Moses’ family. They had seemingly supported Moses and his family, but secretly they harbored unspoken resentment. Apparently there was resentment and dislike for the person Moses had selected as his wife and for her role in the family business of leading the nation of Israel. Moses now had to deal with family rivalry and jealousy.

1-2 Miriam and Aaron talked against Moses behind his back of because his Cushite wife (he had married a Cushite woman). They said, "Is it only through Moses that GOD speaks? Doesn't he also speak through us?" GOD overheard their talk.
3-8 Now the man Moses was a quietly humble man, more so than anyone living on Earth. GOD broke in suddenly on Moses and Aaron and Miriam saying, "Come out, you three, to the Tent of Meeting." The three went out. GOD descended in a Pillar of Cloud and stood at the entrance to the Tent. He called Aaron and Miriam to him. When they stepped out, he said,

Listen carefully to what I'm telling you. If there is a prophet of GOD among you, I make myself known to him in visions, I speak to him in dreams. But I don't do it that way with my servant Moses; he has the run of my entire house; I speak to him intimately, in person, in plain talk without riddles: He ponders the very form of GOD. So why did you show no reverence or respect in speaking against my servant, against Moses?
9 The anger of GOD blazed out against them. And then he left. 10 When the Cloud moved off from the Tent, oh! Miriam had turned leprous, her skin like snow. Aaron took one look at Miriam—a leper!
11-12 He said to Moses, "Please, my master, please don't come down so hard on us for this foolish and thoughtless sin. Please don't make her like a stillborn baby coming out of its mother's womb with half its body decomposed." 13 And Moses prayed to GOD: Please, God, heal her, please heal her.
14-16 GOD answered Moses, "If her father had spat in her face, wouldn't she be ostracized for seven days? Quarantine her outside the camp for seven days. Then she can be readmitted to the camp." So Miriam was in quarantine outside the camp for seven days. The people didn't march on until she was readmitted. Only then did the people march from Hazeroth and set up camp in the Wilderness of Paran.


Did you hear what happened? It is never going to be good when God overhears our talk. It is certainly never good when God calls you out in front of everyone.

Did you listen to what was said? “Who is this Cushite woman? She is a foreigner.” They don’t even use her name. They call her a “the Cushite woman!” She was an outsider and she was also outside the law as it had been given.

For the record, remember Moses married her before the law on mixed marriages was given. This law given was not about racism, but rather as a means to preserve bloodlines and property rights. Israel was already a nation of mixed cultures and skin colors.

Moses must have thought, “Really after all we have been through together – now is the time for you to speak up regarding my wife?”

God told Miriam and Aaron not to trouble their selves about Moses’ wife and I think they got the message. A sudden case of leprosy will do that I hear.

My question is this: When will WE get the message and begin to accept those in our own family (and for that matter or church family) that are different from us?

After all, if God loves us just as we are, is it to hard to conceive that we should do the same?

It is long past the time for us as followers of Christ to stop arguing over who belongs and who doesn't. The world will discover Christ when we learn to live and show the love we have been given to others. May we not need God to intervene before we are willing to surrender our own desires, biases, and discriminatory thoughts in seeking to love and accept our families, our friends, and our neighbors.

How about we learn to live with our dysfunctional family as it is given to us and love others just as God has loved us then the world we know that God Loves you just as you are and that Christ died for you while yet a sinner. And by the way, the way you live your faith matters in this world.

I am not praying just for these followers. I am also praying for everyone else who will have faith because of what my followers will say about me. I want all of them to be one with each other, just as I am one with you and you are one with me. I also want them to be one with us. Then the people of this world will believe that you sent me. John 17:20-21 CEV

On the way to Sunday . . . Krazy Kinfolk and the dreaded in-laws

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

Mention the word "in-laws" and some immediately think of "outlaws." The term "in-law" is not just limited to mothers and fathers. The term also is used with reference to sister in-laws, brother in-laws, daughter in-laws, and son in-laws. Why even cousin in-laws can fall into the "outlaw" category.

There has long been the saying "that you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family". The same could be said about in-laws. We gain mother and father in-laws, and possibly brother and sister in-laws, by the choices we make in marrying our spouse.

When you marry someone, it is an a fact that you also marry the family. You might think you can hide out in your own little world of wedded bliss, but that's not how it works. You will attend family functions and you are expected to fit in. If you don't fit in, you may find yourself in a torrent of ongoing ridicule and resentment. Family members might even be kind in your presence, but be forewarned, they will talk behind your back. In-laws are notorious for creating a great amount of stress and controversy.

In a perfect world, we would have a perfect relationship with in-laws. In a perfect world, we would all just get along and live in peace and harmony.

Someone should right a song about that!

Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself" Mark 12:31

In the long list of who is your neighbor? You need to add "in-laws".

See you Sunday ... bring an in-law or two with you as well.


BTW, no in-laws of mine were mentioned, inferred, or recognized in the writing of this blog!

Krazy Kinfolk: A Conniving Mother

A lot of people think of the characters in the Bible as people who lived in a different time that have nothing in common with us today. While it is true that the characters in the Bible lived in a different time there are still a lot of things that people in the Bible have in common with us today and that includes having really dysfunctional families or as I like to think of them: there just regular people with Krazy Kinfolk!

Take Jacob's family for example. Jacob has thirteen kids. Okay, that's not too dysfunctional but those thirteen kids had four different mothers. Additionally, Jacob favored one son over all the others; the other brothers sold him to slavery and told their father he was dead. Oh and did I mention that to celebrate this family, ‘we’ turned it into a hit Broadway musical.

Today we continue with another story of dysfunction from the book of Genesis beginning in Chapter 24. Abraham declares that Isaac must marry someone like his mother. So he sends a delegation to find a woman worthy of his son. Rebekah is discovered and agrees to go upon learning of the great wealth of her father-in-law and husband-to-be. Although the story has it that it was like love at first sight. Right?! (Gen 24:61-67)

Isaac was 40 at this time and they would spend 20 years trying to have children without success. Finally she becomes pregnant and it is a horrible pregnancy with twins no less. It was so bad that she hoped she would die. She delivered twins.

Esau was first to be born and then Jacob. The order of delivery is important because it determines inheritance and blessings in the culture of the day – in today’s language we would say that birth order has something to do with personality traits and the like.

Esau was clearly his father’s favorite. He loved to hunt and eat wild game. Esau is willing to sacrifice anything to get what he wants now.

Jacob was clearly his mother’s favorite. He was a farmer. Jacob is always plotting and using others to get what he wants.

Jacob was ambitious and cunning so much so that he “purchased” the birthright of the first born from his brother (Gen 26:29-34). What is the birthright? According to Deut. 21:17b the birthright gave the first son a double portion of his father's inheritance. So, a bowl of stew buys a third of Abraham’s estate – not a bad deal.

As our story continues, famine hits the land and Isaac must move his family to survive. While traveling, Isaac uses a trick he learned from Dad and tells everyone his wife is his sister. Additionally, Isaac’s wealth caused a great deal of trouble in the community as he used his wealth as a means to control people.

Is any of those starting to sound familiar? It’s like a bad soap opera re-run.

Now Esau got married, but his parents did not approve of the marriage and it caused great strain in the relationship with his parent’s – especially his father. While that is going on, Mom plots with Jacob to take something else from Esau as Jacob already had the double portion of the inheritance. (As a side, do you think that Mom’s drive for wealth had anything to do with how their marriage started?) Jacob now steals his father’s blessing and does so through deception and help from his conniving mother.

To recap: Sibling Rivalry, A Marriage based on a false story of love, a
marriage rooted in wealth, a marriage arranged to please a father, a family habit
of deception and lies, parent’s who use favoritism as a practice for raising their
children, and a mother who connives and tricks her way into getting what she
wants for her children.

And yet, once again, God uses a completely dysfunctional family to provide us
an all so important picture. A picture of God’s blessing.

What is the blessing? Why is it so important to our children or us as adults?

There was a very important spiritual part of this blessing as the blessing was handed down to each generation through individuals. God used the blessing to identify His line of people through one family until the coming of Christ (remember the genealogy in the Christmas story?). This blessing clearly identified God’s sovereign choice, but it also had a distinctively personal component to it.

The Old Testament Blessing had 4 distinct elements to it:

1. A Meaningful touch
2. A Spoken Message
3. Attaches High value
4. Pictures a Special Future

Perhaps you can now begin to understand why Esau has such anguish when he does not receive the blessing.

Words mattered then and they still do today.

A father’s blessing, or a parent’s blessing, does not carry the same financial and spiritual importance as it did in the past, but it is every bit as relevant to our lives and to our children. The blessing goes beyond unconditional love it is the approval you give your children for who they are not for what they do but for whose they are. Spoken or written words at least give the child an indication that he or she is worthy of some attention.

We all have witnessed or been a part of a coach that constantly chewed out the best athletes. Those players will often say, "Boy, I wish the coach would get off my case." While other teammate reply, "Don't say that, at least coach is talking to you. If he ever stops talking to you, that means coach has given up on you."

Words mattered then and they still do today.

There are countless stories of children traveling in a rush to try to make it their parent’s death bed in hopes of hearing the words "I love you … you did good … I’m proud of you …”

Words mattered then and they still do today.

In our story when Esau does not receive the blessing it leaves him trapped and trying to earn the blessing. Esau even chooses to marry another woman in hopes of gaining his father’s acceptance.

We hear this story and think – Wow! Those people are really dysfunctional. The problem for us is that too many of us our living without the blessing in our lives and as a direct result so are our children. Here is why that is such a problem: People that live without the blessing become other than that which they were designed to be – just like Esau. They become:

Seekers in a lifelong quest for meaning and fulfillment

Shattered in troubled over missed blessing - suicidal

Smotherers their reaction is to suck the life out of those they are closest to by smothering. They self fulfill when rejected by others that are burnt out by them

Angry – never forgive parents and are often distant in any current relationships

Detached – once burned – twice shy. They protect themselves from being hurt again

Driven – I will get the blessing by “Earning it” -workaholic

Seduced – look for it in all the wrong places

How do we break this cycle of dysfunction in our lives and in our families … or for that matter in our church?

A family blessing for today begins with (2) meaningful touching (a hug, a special touch, a sign). It continues with a (1) spoken message of (Words matter – don’t wait ‘til the end). It then moves to a message of (3) high value, (move beyond the cliché speak in words that matter to your children) that includes a (4) special future that is pictured for the individual being blessed (give your children HOPE) and a future. All of this is based on the (5) active commitment to see the blessing come to pass in the individual.

Parents it is never to late to begin (it will take time). Your children should never have to earn your blessing. CAUTION: inconsistency in the past can make a person unwillingly to believe your words in the present. That is why the active commitment is so hard and important. Help break the cycle:

Spouses bless your spouse. Remind them that you love them and our committed to being with them – for better or worse.

Children bless your parents by honoring them.

Parents give your blessing to your children - young and old they need it

Church be a blessing to those that come in our doors:

People don’t need a place to try impress others with virtue and good deeds. People don’t need a place filled with fake smiles and words of platitudes. People need a place of acceptance and blessing.

Finally, if you have never received a blessing and for those living as adults without the blessing you can receive the blessing of your heavenly father – God.

Receive this blessing that God wants to give to all His children:

God loves you just as you are. God will give you knowledge and wisdom. You will receive understanding for God has been storing up wisdom for you because you have sought Him above all else. God will be your shield and your bodyguard. He will preserve your way. For He who has begun a good work in you, will complete it.

A prayer for you:

God, You have called us by name and blessed us
You have loved us as we are believing we are yet to become all that we can be
Help us to receive this blessing and order our loves such that
Our words might become your words as we seek
to love and bless our family, spouse, our children, our friends, and our church.
We ask this through the name of Christ, AMEN



Concepts for this message come from The Blessing by Gary Smalley and John Trent.

You can order of copy of the updated book here.

There is also a workbook for individuals here.





This was the second in a series of messages:
Krazy Kinfolk – You think your family has trouble?